How to Talk Dirty | POPSUGAR Love & Sex

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So, you’ve found a sex partner who really lights your fire. You snag yourself some sexy lingerie, sweeten your skin with your favorite perfume, leave them breathless with your seductive gaze, but when you get to the bedroom, things suddenly feel . . . quiet. How could this be? The buildup to this moment was going so smoothly! How can all that sexual confidence go right down the drain the second things get real?

If you’re a little on the shy side, you’re probably all too familiar with this. Sex, something movies portray as the most graceful act in human nature, suddenly feels more like having stage fright in front of a harsh audience. Well, it doesn’t have to. In fact, it doesn’t have to feel stressful at all. Dirty talk can bring you and your partner closer, help you explore what turns you both on, and, most importantly, make sex so much more enjoyable. These 10 tips should definitely help ease you into it.

1. Relax — it’s not a performance

Sex is vulnerable and often has all our insecurities flaring up at once. We’re worried about the way our bodies look, whether our moans sound more like nails on a chalkboard than sexy, and a million other debilitating things. It’s no wonder it can be hard to get a word out. Remember that truly intimate and satisfying sex is never a performance. No one is sitting there judging every word you say and every move you make. Try things out. Say a few silly things. Take some risks. The bedroom is meant for exploring and making discoveries about each other. How boring would sex be if we stuck to some artificial script? Sex is silly and awkward, and if you say a few silly and awkward things, laugh it off and keep going.

2. Be yourself

Maybe you’re afraid your partner is expecting you to be a porn star in bed, saying all the nastiest and raunchiest things imaginable. Unless porn is your thing, this is not the case. Dirty talk has nothing to do with being a wanton sex maniac and you shouldn’t feel pressured into emulating one. The beauty of sex is how different it is with everyone, how unique an experience it is with each person. Be yourself! Trust that your partner wants to pleasure you, not someone else. If you’re feeling demure and gentle, go with that instinct. If you’re feeling a bit naughtier than usual, play with that. There is no right or wrong path to take, unless it’s not true to your needs.

3. Think sexy thoughts

It’s the most frustrating thing in the world when your mind starts wandering during sex. You’re trying to focus on bringing you and your partner to climax and suddenly you’re thinking about drama at work or how you need to go to the DMV in the morning. This usually happens when you’re already nervous. How can we dirty talk with conviction if we’ve got stress on our minds? Take a step back and get in your sexy zone. Think about what turns you on. Maybe it’s something your partner did over dinner that really got you going. Maybe it’s a fantasy you’ve always had. When you’re really in the zone, the words will flow from you. You won’t have to worry about it. Say the first thing that comes to mind, whenever you’re ready to say it.

4. Focus on your partner

If you try too hard to conjure your sensuous side, it could have the adverse effect of feeling more like work than pleasure. If you just can’t seem to tap into your erotic center, focus all your energy on your partner. Take them in. Bury yourself in them. Think about how attractive you find them, how good it feels to be connected to them, or how badly you want them. Tell them about it. Let them know what it is you love about them. It will get you both going so fast, you’ll probably forget you were worried in the first place.

5. Ask them questions

Don’t forget to invite them to be part of the conversation. Ask them what they want you to do to them, what they love about you, or how long they’ve wanted you for. Ask them what their hottest fantasy is. Hey, your partner might be nervous about dirty talk too! They might need a little help through the process as well. Ask them to tell you what you want to hear about yourself. There’s nothing wrong with asking your partner how sexy they think you are. Feeling sexy is what it’s all about!

6. Tell them what you want

Sometimes we’re so nervous about impressing our partner, we forget about our own sexual needs. Don’t worry about being perceived as too demanding or audacious when telling your partner what it is you need from them. First of all, being told what to do in bed is dangerously sexy and they’ll likely feel inspired to blow your mind even further. Second of all, if they don’t care about your needs in bed, they’re selfish and that’s probably not someone you want to be sleeping with.

7. Reminisce with each other

Another way to dirty talk with your partner is to bring up a memory you share together. Maybe you have been dating for a while and the first time you met you were wearing a slinky dress that caught their eye. Why not bring that dress up? Perhaps you met earlier that evening and it’s a one-night stand. Bring up how jealous they were when they saw you dancing with someone else. This will drag all the sexy imprints you’ve left on each other out of your minds and right into the bedroom, deepening the hunger between you.

8. Enact a fantasy

It might seem horribly cliché, but some of the most intense and adventurous sex happens when you free each other from the boundaries of real life. If you’re coming up empty, why not try a little role play? It can get you out of your head to pretend things between you two are different than they really are. You could pretend your partner is a police officer who would rather have sex with you than give you the speeding ticket you deserve. Maybe you could pretend your partner is your lover and you only have an hour with them before your husband or wife gets home. The possibilities are endless! This may not be for everyone, but it’s a great thing to try if you feel like there’s not enough juice in your sexual material at the moment.

9. Less can mean more

Dirty talk has so many exhilarating qualities, but at the end of the day, it’s not the most important thing. Every sexual encounter is different and has its own special tone and feeling. Let the mood of the experience inform you whether or not it’s time to talk. Sometimes the hottest sex can be devoid of words. Maybe you’re in a place of such deep pleasure, all you can do is moan. You’re feeling so alive in your body and stringing together a sentence is nowhere on your mind. Remember that dirty talk is never a necessity. It’s more of a very tasty cherry on top.

10. Try sexting

If you don’t even know where to start, sexting is amazing practice. Why not start the conversation long before you guys even have sex? Send your partner a naughty text while they’re at work, letting them know how badly you want them. Describe everything you wish they were doing to you. This is your opportunity to test things out and gauge what kind of dirty talk works between you two. If anything, it’ll turn them on to the point of insanity. They’ll be desperate for you and want to see you as soon as possible.