You are seriously invested in having a beautiful birth! You read every baby, pregnancy, and birthing book that exists on the planet and know what your mucous plug does and how Braxton Hicks feel. By the end of your pregnancy, you could have coached the birthing class yourself and sometimes, you were the teacher’s pet. You told yourself you wouldn’t be afraid and could manage the pain. You were most articulate though with your birthing plan. You handwrote two copies to give to the nurses, who when you handed it to them, looked at you like you were not in labor, but indeed, smoking crack, as they walk away from you knowing your birth plan is simply another piece of paper!
No matter how you envision your birth plan going, here are a few things that will happen instead of that glorious experience you concocted!
1. Your Partner Will Fall Asleep at the Wheel
Instead of being at your side cooing sweet nothings, counting as you breathe and reminding you “You can do it!” about halfway in, your partner will fall asleep. Your sweet vision of being some superbirthing duo falls to pieces in just three hours or less. You consider stabbing him or her in that peaceful slumber.
Or worse . . .
2. Your Partner Is More in Touch With Facebook Than You
Your partner can’t help but make a post about every single contraction or grunt you make. Your partner takes photos every second just about as you are doing . . . well anything, and right about now you would like to punch him or her for being a total laborazzi — that’s the term for people taking way too many pics during labor.
You know it’s bad when you ask your partner for ice chips and instead, he or she is worrying about how to filter the Instagram post!
3. No Pain Meds
Before labor: I can do it! I don’t need pain meds! Plenty of women had natural labors for centuries. Let my body do its thing. Let nature take its course!
Day of: Who was I kidding? Why did I get pregnant? When are the drugs coming? Those other women were nuts!
4. This Is a Rite of Passage — I Will Know What to Do
Nope, you will be clueless. You will give up all modesty and cry, scream, and grunt all at max capacity with your vagina and the whole shebang hanging out. You couldn’t care less. You just wonder how you felt so confident before it actually began.
5. No Time For Comfort Objects
You certainly brought your “comfort objects” to the hospital. Nice pillows. Photographs. Candles. But by the time real labor begins, you could give two you know whats about those comfort objects. You just want this to be over with so you tend to bark at anyone that talks to you. It’s definitely showing off your friendlier side. Heh, heh. When your partner tells you to view the photograph and visualize the pain floating away from you, you scream so loud it’s almost as if you became a dictator in seconds, not a soon-to-be mom!
6. Pitocin, Please?
You didn’t want the Pitocin, but your labor is stalling. As much as you know it’s going to make it hurt worse than it does — is labor torture? Um, yes — you say yes to the Pitocin. The sooner the party gets started, the sooner it all wraps up!